Tanya Behrisch, Anna Rumjahn, Chris Yakimov
This paper is a three-way conversation about grief that follows a graduate
program. We explore our experiences with post-graduate grief in community,
attending to each other’s sense of loss following separation from supervisors,
theses, and graduate programs. In committing to slow scholarship, processes—such
as navigating feelings and living—have been valued over producing a manuscript
quickly. Slowness, including long gaps between meetings, enabled us to follow
the diverse contours of quiet alchemical processes such as grieving, opening up
to emptiness, self-acceptance, being enough, and letting go. After years of
compression and dialogic friction with her mentor, Tanya confronts feelings akin
to postpartum depression, an anticlimactic melancholy accompanying the
completion of her doctorate. Chris is haunted by his inability to recognize the
authenticity of repeated invitations from his committee to engage following his
Master’s degree, finally breaking his 16-year silence through narrative inquiry
into losing what he never knew he had. Anna admits to filling emotional and
intellectual gaps following her Master’s degree by pursuing her doctorate. She
honors wholeness of herself that encompasses ruptures of grief, confusion, and
her journey towards self-acceptance. Emerging from our collaboration is
something entirely unexpected: healing. We share our private experiences of
post-graduate mourning and re-emergence as an invitation to students to honor
what comes unbidden following a graduate journey and an opportunity for
relational scholarship.